Max penetration

(Jake: 29 May 2003)

I’ve had that roundabout feeling again today. It must stop at some point so that I can get off. Even Jaz Man mentioned the carousel in his disappointingly, sugar-coated shit, non-hit wonder. I think it would be in my best interests to listen to more rock music. Maybe I’ll dabble with a bit of Slayer to pep me up a bit before I go out tonight. Fuck that, I need Sex Pistols. I’m feeling a bit anxious and aggressive for some reason.

I’ve arranged to go meet Nathan and Jonti in town later – just a few drinks to ease me into the weekend. I’ll probably get a bit sauced and end up leering stupidly at young women in the mistaken belief that I’ll take one home and neatly fuck her on my kitchen table for maximum penetration. Oh, I can smell the cheap perfume already.

I must get this down quickly. It’s all to do with Lauren. I had another dream about her last night – well, at least I think it was her.

Walking and talking.
Pitch dark, ruined amphitheatre –
like the one in El Jem.
I was walking in straw, crossing a courtyard
Fuck, I’m back here again
Shadowy characters, gathered in corners.
They were looking at us and muttering.
A fat man stopped me and asked me for a cigarette and, for some reason, I said: ‘Sorry mate, I don’t smoke’.
He knew I was lying and became demonic.
He chased us into a room with peasants rolling about on straw.
They were INJECTING THEMSELVES.

I panicked and woke up at this point. I’d seen the revolting fat man on the train.

Spinning a yarn

(Jake: 28 May 2003)

It's a small world – I bumped into Nathan on the train last night. We had a bit a laugh actually, but it does unsettle me slightly that he’s fucked my sister. I know somebody had to do it at some point but he was the guy who took her cherry. He was Panda’s ‘first love’ and she was hung up on him for ages after he dumped her. I didn’t tell him she was gay these days.

It always throws me when people call her Alice. With great drunken enthusiasm, I told him the story of when she came home from school with two black eyes. He seemed vaguely interested and told me an equally exaggerated story of when he fell off a shed roof and broke his collarbone. Evidently, one of his mates had dared him to break into a deserted house up the road and have a sniff around. It turns out that the old lady who used to live there had gone completely mad and was dragged out in a straight-jacket a few years earlier. He reckons that the house was completely untouched – there was even food still laid on the table, covered in cobwebs. He was mooching around upstairs, heard some weird voices, bricked it and tried to get out of an upstairs window onto the shed. The twat fell off and had to go to hospital. We talked about drugs then.

Anyway, I went into work today and finished the article and sorted out a few other things. Pretty uneventful day on the whole really. I may have a quick look at Tabitha in my Buttman magazine in a minute.

Cat

(Jake: 24 May 2003)

Cat Deeley is a naughty little blonde minx. Annoying? Yes. But she’s dirty. I caught a bit of CD:UK this morning and I’m convinced that the sparkly-eyed host is an animal in bed. Should she ever ask for my hand in marriage, I would have to gracefully accept. However, in the pre-nuptials I would insist that one of her A&R friends would give me a multi-million pound record deal as part of the agreement. Oh yeah, and that I could put her over my knee and smack her bare bottom whenever I fancied – and in public, should the need arise. She might go for it.

The sun’s shining right into my balcony this morning. It’s lovely and very life-affirming. I’ve had a dodgy rocksteady vinyl on at full whack this morning; a bargain at 50p from Help the Aged. Panda rang – she says that there’s a new girl started in her office who I would really like: dark, beautiful, intelligent, GSOH etc etc. I do love my sis but she gets on my tits sometimes. Shame she’s not mates with the Cat though.

Just going out with Nathan for a couple of cheeky looseners at the Potter’s.